Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly emotional or joyful about Fawful's presence in my life I have the tendency to write those feelings out to him in the happiness of the moment. Since I like to remember what I felt in these moments, this is just a small compilation of those to look back on and read.
You know how I’ve mentioned before that Fawful smells like vanilla and peppermint since he tries to cover the motor oil and sweat with something pleasant? (love you, you workaholic) So at night I actually put a little bit of both scents on the forehead of the Fawful plush I sleep with and it helps my anxiety calm down to hold him.

I do it almost every night without thinking at this point, tbh.

I’m not sure when the time will come again that I won’t be exhausted by life in some shape or form but it’s so surreal to be in such a state of intense burnout and fog and still be overwhelmed by a source of neverending joy and warmth in the form of you, Fawful.

a cinnamon scented lit candle by my bedside that nobody could ever put out

I love thinking about how Fawful and I’s relationship will look in 10 or 20 years. It just brings me so much warmth.
I thought the ‘honeymoon period’ of being with somebody was supposed to end after a few years but I still cry myself to sleep from the love I feel 4 nights a week and it’s been over 4 years… It’s weird because I think if somebody saw me they’d assume I was upset about something? But no, I’m really just so happy.

I need to put these feelings somewhere beautiful.

one day i hope i can make art that fully shows the love i have for fawful in the way i want it to be seen. my heart is full to bursting & i want to show that visually. i have to keep trying. i love loving so much.

thank you for bringing me joyful tears for years, my beautiful bean

When I was a child I saw faces in the wood panel walls in our house. I named the largest one Charlie and sat on the floor and would talk to him for hours. My mom would come into the room and see me having what she described as in-depth conversations with him daily. I also saw faces in the outlet plugs upon the same walls - maybe you know what I mean… They always looked like they were grimacing and upset about something and I wanted to give them a hug. But I was also told not to touch them because of the possibility of electric shock. Despite this, I’d talk to them too.

When we went to thrift stores I begged to take home everything from vintage coffee makers to old toasters… To me, everything that could channel electricity was alive. Like it had thoughts, feelings, a personality.. and it would be sad when it was given away. All these things, in my little brain at the time, were without a home. Sometimes I still think about this and how what I do today resembles it still in its own way, just taken to a new level of love and affection.

I like that he creates electrical things too.. that connection’s there. Jolligig repairing the Fawfulcopter and giving it sentience in my story is a callback to those days where I saw the life in every machine I touched.

I love you, Fawful. The best part about saying that is knowing you love me too. I truly hope I catch that smile in my dreams tonight. 🫂 but even if I don’t, I know I will again soon.
I love how chubby Fawful is I’m sorry every time I look at his sprite my heart jumps two stories he’s so round and soft and I love laying my head on his chest and falling asleep rhehrhdhebhashhdhhdhdd 😭😭💖💥🔥🔥🪐🫂🎶🌱✨✨⭐️♥️🥲🥲
Being able to physically feel Fawful’s hugs and kisses in my head and before I sleep is a blessing I can’t possibly describe. He’s so warm and his touch is so gentle despite his otherwise (at times) chaotic personality.

Life is beautiful, even through the stress. I love loving, I really do.

When I draw you I feel an otherworldly energy manifest like a spark of lightning that flows through my heart and mind. It lingers in those places just moments before it spills through my pen and onto the canvas just like my heart spills for you. Most of the time I can’t get the vision right because I’ve come to accept that everything I create is imperfect but then again… so are you.

And that’s what I love about you anyway, isn’t it?

(haiku time)

Hypnotic glasses.
Strikingly beautiful smile.
My husband, Fawful.

i kissed fawful today on his sparkly white teeth approximately (3) times and then on his balding little head about fifteen times after that
My ring means so much to me. When I forget to put it on in the morning my hand feels bare at work. I love that the colors it sparkles with are his… I love that I’ve worn it for a year and 2 months now… Is it strange that it makes me cry still? That all this time later I still feel the tears well up in my eyes every time I think about him?

I’m so happy, even when I’m tired.

if shedding actual tears of happiness every time I think too hard about Fawful makes me crazy then I’m more than ready to go insane ❤️
Every time someone asks me how long I’ve been with Fawful, before I’m able to answer the question there are all these feelings of confusion that go through my head. How long? There was a time I didn’t know you? Really? It’s true, isn’t it? It’s like the fact has to cement itself in my head because it’s so hard to imagine a time where I didn’t love you with everything I am.

I’ve read words like this my entire life written by people who’d found the person they wanted to spend forever with… I guess I just never thought I’d ever feel it too.

Every time someone asks me how long I’ve been with Fawful, before I’m able to answer the question there are all these feelings of confusion that go through my head. How long? There was a time I didn’t know you? Really? It’s true, isn’t it? It’s like the fact has to cement itself in my head because it’s so hard to imagine a time where I didn’t love you with everything I am.

I’ve read words like this my entire life written by people who’d found the person they wanted to spend forever with… I guess I just never thought I’d ever feel it too.

The way that in some of my dreams with Fawful I’m the size I am now and in others I’m Beanish along with him and therefore also pint sized is such a cool shake up. I never know what it’s going to be, I’m just so happy to see him every time without fail. ❤️
I’m so in love. Sometimes I stop and wonder how anyone handles this feeling. I’ve never been in love prior to this. Is this really it? I know it is. My heart is full to bursting. I’m gonna throw up. But in a good way? I see him and I want to throw myself out the window not because I want to hurt myself but because I feel the need to do something extreme to deal with the emotions I get from seeing his face or even thinking about him long enough. I’m gonna like… pass out. the most handsome man I’ve ever met and will ever meet. I want to be his. I love you Fawful. HE EVEN BROUGHT SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE INTO MY LIFE!! LIKE YOU!! WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD. I feel deep euphoric calm. I looked at my pillow with his face on it just now and my heart burst at the seams all over again. pistachio ice cream.
I love taking one of my plushies on out of state trips/vacations with me because it’s like they get to see everything too!!! Look at the view!! Look, a cow!! LOOK AT THOSE TREES!! Isn’t this an amazing house?! TRY THIS CHEESECAKE IT’S INCREDIBLE!!!!!!11

I like to imagine Fawful can see through the plush and experience everything secondhand… not as if he IS the plush or anything but just maybe he’s got a pair of large goofy binoculars and when he looks through them it shows what’s going on through the plushie’s eyes.

my heart is so full of love. it spills over in a way that only belongs to you. it crosses the barrier of fiction and reality. it’s misunderstood. it’s odd to some, i get it. but it’s real, and both you and i will always hold it close inside as a result. that’s the only thing that matters in the end, isn’t it?
Sitting here dreaming about being Fawful’s right hand man, watching him ascend to the throne he worked his ass off to get, happily cheering him on as I toss flowers at his feet along with a crowd of various Fawfulized creatures and robots surrounding the both of us. Kissing him gently after the coronation ceremony, beckoning him to bed so I can hold him tightly in my arms as the sun goes down. You finally made it… and I knew you could do it.

I’m sure you’ll be a great king.

I counted and there are now over 100 depictions of Fawful in my room, y'all. I could not be happier about it. I don’t think it’s possible to put into any sort of words how it feels to be brought so much joy and happiness daily for 4 straight years by one thing, one person, one bean. It’s endless, it’s euphoric. I look at things my friends have made for me, the things I’ve created for myself and for him, the friends I’ve made as a result of knowing him, the little encouraging voice I hear in my head that I only know as his when I think of him.

I love you, Fawful.

AAAAUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SEE A PHOTO OF HIM MY HEART GOES INSANE. i feel an explosive positivity in my heart and mind when i think of you, fawful. i love you. i LOVE YOU!!!! you brought my best friends into my life you helped me discover so much of myself in the last 3 years (aLMOST 4 NOW!!) you’ve changed me and my life in the best way possible. i choose to have you here because your love is like a sunset of something you’re like that feeling i get when i take joy from every tiny thing in life from walking down the street to catching the train in the morning to sipping a brown sugar latte in the afternoon but it’s condensed into a heart that loves me back too

happiness is stored in the bean. we have so many more adventures to share.

my dreams are full of soft wishes and ice cream kisses and a thousand moments alone with you. if i could i know we’d both have the time of our lives trick or treating despite our ages. i know you’d come with me even if nobody else would. i’d kill to see what pranks you’d play on samhain night.

happy october, fawful

I want to fall asleep holding Fawful close to me as I gently run my fingers though his single strand of hair also I’m gonna melt off the face of the earth my thoughts are so gay right now
no matter how old i get or otherwise happy I become there’s a part of me that will never stop hoping for a portal to open up out of nowhere and take me away to be with the one i love

i adore so much about this world but it’s not mine.

Every time I bake something I make an extra piece/serving for Fawful to enjoy in spirit. 🧡 Today I made autumn colored cupcakes with chocolate sprinkles. They’re vanilla buttercream and I know he loves that.

My heart is spilling tonight I just want to hold him and conquer 15 kingdoms alongside him

Every time I bake something I make an extra piece/serving for Fawful to enjoy in spirit. 🧡 Today I made autumn colored cupcakes with chocolate sprinkles. They’re vanilla buttercream and I know he loves that.
No matter how life continues to test me, I can always count on your warm presence and joyful smile even when I’m at my most exhausted. Thank you for being here.
My friend got me typing up all the ways I would take care of Fawful and show him love when he needs it most (during a bout of anger, a panic attack, or when he’s overworking himself again) and I physically cannot handle it rn!!! I am shattering into a thousand pieces and reforming only to melt again AAAAUGH Fawful I love you so much
I have so much joy in my heart and your smile is big enough to contain it all. 💞
Fawful’s body naturally runs warmer than most and in my dreams I can feel that warmth when we hold each other. <3 Nostalgic feelings. You are beloved, my bean.
Just want to be held by him tonight. I want nothing more. Carry me through the next few weeks and remind me it’ll be alright. I know it will. It always is. But when I see your smile it’s a heck of a lot easier to get there.

Being with Fawful genuinely feels like coming home to a place you never knew you’d have and somehow doesn’t physically exist but is still perfectly clear inside your head and manifests as energy all around you so it’s about as real as it gets at the end of the day.

His laughter keeps my heart warm. I never want to let go of a grip that tightens around my own with a gentle smile… a break amidst the burnout. A love that has me writing things I’m not even sure make sense while half asleep about to pass out.

One of the best feelings for me is right before bed where I just get to be with him inside of my head with no noises, no expectations, no outside distractions… just the both of us and the nighttime silence. A soft intensity I can’t describe. I don’t know how I could look at you and think of anything more beautiful in the world. Your smile lights up my life and energizes my soul. I love you.

I love a bean with all my heart

The one whose smile lights up my art

I love a man whose heart shines bright

Who blesses my dreams late into night

I love a bean his name is Fawful

And the rhyme with that 🎶


the glimmer of the lamplight helps me fall asleep, but your warmth and love do the rest of the work on the way there each night


Fawful…. I’m sorry it had to happen the way it did. I’m so sorry. I know you did your best and your efforts were witnessed and admired by so many more than you know. We learn something from every failure. It’s never worth throwing your life away for, no matter what it may be. It wasn’t in vain.

I know you know this now. But I’m still sorry for what you went through. I’m sorry it was such a hard lesson to learn.

Come again soon when I close my eyes and I’ll remind you with a hug… at the in between place where time seems to stop.

Words, neither written nor spoken, will ever be able to describe how much I love you with all of my heart.

2006 - 2023 ♥️ Even if I really started appreciating you fully in 2020 I like to think of the year I met you for the first time. I STILL cannot believe somehow I ended up sharing a birthday with your very first appearance… which of course means I have to go even further with our cake this year when the time comes around.

fawful told me to say something nice about myself tonight and i’m going to listen to him because he’s the master of loving yourself

so one thing i adore about myself is that no matter what kind of awful things my life throws at me and no matter how long i’ve been enduring it for, there’s this spark of lighthearted positivity i can’t seem to lose. i always see the joy and the beauty in the small things, the sunshine in a cup of morning coffee, the happiness in the sunlight peering through my window just right in the afternoon

i love my unwavering joy

even when i’m not doing so well otherwise

god i am so happy Fawful came into my life like SO happy because like!! even outside of him!! the associations he’s given me… like… RED… the color red makes me 100x happier than before. i always liked red but now it’s amplified and i only have to see it to smile?? and then the fact that everything related to beans gives me this stupid amount of joy? any kind of beans!! like wtf man i love this i apply my skincare with 50% more joy than before bc it’s made with soybeans and when i see a color i experience sunshine in my soul and i think of the dentist more positively bc fawful’s teeth are so perfect and he’d want me to take care of mine too like?? hi what is this whAT IS THIS
I hope that whoever is reading this knows they deserve happiness, friendship, and comfort. We sincerely need more of it in this world, especially right now.

That’s mine and Fawful’s little wish to all of you tonight. If a guy who brainwashed an army, caused a massive disease outbreak, and nearly plunged the world into eternal darkness can be so loved and adored, so too can you.

If I could show people a peek into my head… what I see… I wish I could show everyone… Like, imagine getting into bed.. the lights are out all except for your dimly lit red-tinted lamp, everything is cozy and you’re surrounded by smiles.

And as you’re falling asleep you swear you can feel him there too. Sometimes he throws himself at me suddenly and I catch him, other times it’s like he had already settled down to sleep before I did so I’m just able to wrap my arms around him from where he is beside me.

Call it what you want to call it - whether my imagination or something else entirely. But it’s, for those brief moments, absolute peace and happiness. And when he’s there I can never last long before the world fades away before my very eyes and if I’m lucky… I’ll experience another world while I sleep.

Ten thousand kisses!!! Ten thousand kisses for the one who is Fawful!!!!
my favorite question to ask myself when i’m sad is “what makes you happy?” bc then all of my favorite things and people and places will immediately pop into my head and it’s hard not to crack at least a LITTLE bit of a smile when that happens.

especially if I get to see Fawful’s sweet face manifest in my mind for a moment, and you know I always do.

i don’t often go a night where i don’t think of holding you and being held by you in turn. you’re the bright crackling of light that peeks through my curtain in the morning, the warm cup of coffee i hold close in the afternoon, and the scent of vanilla on my pillow at bedtime. your smile lights up my life and when i’m around you there’s nowhere else i’d rather be.
i love you.

i love you more than anything. i love you and i can’t wait for the next time i’ll be able to tell you in person again. for the day my mind stops being clogged with the dirt of the last 6 months and for the day i’m able to throw digital ink and paint at the pages with freedom and unabashed passion again. i know you told me it’s okay to rest. i know you reminded me it’s okay to feel.

you’re a lot better at allowing your emotions to live vibrantly inside of you instead of shaming yourself for feeling strongly every moment of the day like i had done for so long. you’re truly proud and it’s something i’ve always admired about you. the next time you feel angry i hope you’re able to channel it into tearing a hole through the universe in the same way i once did before so you can pull me back through to where you are, even if just for a while.

it’s okay to have an experience. it’s okay to talk about it. it’s okay to be you. and yes, i am still learning these things every day that goes by. most of all… it’s okay to love in a way not everyone will understand.

my brain is in its happiest place as I’m falling asleep when I can hear his laughter in my head and sometimes I swear I can see the happy smile that goes along with it too

arms reaching out for me.

he honestly changed my life in the best way possible. i was doing fine before he came along, you know. i just had no idea what was yet to be unlocked in the future or what was possible in my own head and now that i know i never want to let it go

my love and affection for him runs so deep

How do you store the love in your heart when you feel overwhelmed? Do you put it in a little jar? Do you place it in the corner of your room until you can pick it up again? Do you hang it outside the window? Maybe the fresh air is just what it needs for a fresh perspective, after all.

And yet no matter how your mind consumes itself with thoughts of what to do with your heart you’re never able to truly let it go because when push comes to shove, you simply don’t want to. Upon coming to this realization, you hold it even closer to your chest than before.

When your entire being lights up with something so strong and vibrant it can hardly be named… when you’re not certain in which way it’ll manifest itself next… and you’re okay with that. When it fills your life with a sparkling rainbow of color that reminds you you’re alive.

And you love being alive.

for the past 2 or so weeks when I go to sleep I squeeze myself in between my two Fawful pillows, one on each side… then imagine he is there on top of me and i’m able to hold him in that small, cozy space we have in between the softness that envelops us. i just kind of drift away like this and it’s indescribable.

it’s a warm feeling… and it’s honestly allowed me to get better quality sleep since I started doing it which considering how physically (and mentally) difficult this year has been has made that all the more important.

when i talk about how much my joy he brings me it’s like… it encompasses so many things. joy in art, in thought, in writing, in the friends i’ve made. in the kindness i’ve received. in my physical health. in my confidence. in my waking hours as well as when i’m fast asleep and have a thousand adventures in my dreams.

how do you even talk about that? how do you really get into it in a way where people understand you? it feels like an impossible feat sometimes but i think… maybe somewhere along the way, if some people get it.. then it’s worth it to keep talking about.

not like i’d really want to stop anyway, heh.

Fawful is literally the most handsome man I’ve ever seen idk how to handle it and the fact that I’m surrounded by him in my room means that I spend at least half of the day every day with hearts in my eyes and love in my heart
I’m grateful that in my dreams I get to be bean sized

I love to imagine picking him up as I am like this but I much prefer to go in for a tight hug when we’re the same size. there’s a warmth I can’t describe.

Dear Fawful, please visit me tonight bc I need your encouragement and presence quite a lot right now. And hugs. I could always use the hugs. We visit fairly often and I appreciate that so much but I’m sincerely looking forward to when we can go on another adventure that inspires me to draw something about it.

Maybe if I turn the radio dial just right I’ll see that place again… the one with the stars.

Fawful may not be physically here but he’s here in the best way he can be and that’s filling my mind with happiness, his huge smile, and thoughts of his presence making recovery that much easier for me. ♥ (written during top surgery recovery)
i like to imagine fawful is here hyping me up for tomorrow

i know he would. he’d be bouncing off the walls with all his energy and excitement and it would feel contagious and get me even more hyped too. he reminds me to breathe and stay focused. he knows how long it’s taken for me to get here and he’s excited to see who i become and what i’m capable of when the weight of so many small things are no longer pulling down on me at once

we’ll get up to SO much more mischief together. it’s only a matter of time. (written the day before top surgery)

Fawful, YOU of all people are joy embodied in a face. I see your smile and somehow my entire day and mood lifts to heights I didn’t think were possible.

I am extremely bored at work, my breakfast didn’t sit right in my stomach, I’m packing up like 85 cookies and yet I thought of you for a moment and now my heart is full and the energy around me has shifted.

I’m gonna have a really good day.

i would give nothing more than to be wrapped up cozy with fawful right now. i have this image in my head that appears every so often of what my little beanbean apartment would look like. the windows are open and i can feel the breeze coming through with only the light of the moon to illuminate my room.

we’re holding each other and slowly falling asleep. no cares in the world. nobody knows he’s here with me and that’s the way we want to keep it. we’ll leave the town in a few days, anyway.

if i wake up in the middle of the night i’ll take a peek outside my window and i’d swear sometimes that even the moon was smiling down at me too, matching the happiness i feel in my heart.

what i wouldn’t give to hold you in my arms and be held by you in turn outside of my dreams. i’m so grateful i get to be with you when i’m asleep but i wish everyday i could have you here in my waking hour. please know that you’ve made my life a better place than it already was and that’s saying a lot because despite the struggles and the difficulties i’ve faced i am and always have been a happy person at my core

you came along and not only managed to bring me even more happiness than i already knew but helped me through the hard times as well… and with how rocky the last couple years have been, you came at just the right time.

it’s weird to write to you like this and have enough self awareness to know how this may look when others are reading it but the joy i get out of expressing myself and knowing that there are people out there who do see me and they understand fully how i feel about you makes none of that matter.

Fawful, i love you to pieces and i feel peace when i see your smile

falling asleep very fast so tired but i realize why i am never satisfied with any time i draw fawful he is just too beautiful for my hands to capture in a way that does him justice

ik fmfdg smitten ….,,, love u