Maybe it’s okay if I like drawing smiles best.

i want to always be his comfort in the same way he is mine

There’s this responsibility you have pushed on you to set an example when you’re the eldest and sometimes I’d feel sad because it felt like I’d never make connections with people who’d been around longer than I had. I never felt like I had a clue what I was doing but my friends and siblings still looked to me as an example.It’s just another way that connecting with Fawful had such a positive impact on my life. Thanks to him I’ve got quite the crew of friends in every range now as well… <3

But love was stronger than it all… and it still is. I push through for the euphoria I feel when I am able to express the passion I feel inside.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for constantly telling me not to sweat the small things and for helping me realize that even the things that don’t feel small at all mean a lot less than my mind wants to tell me they do at first glance. Thank you for allowing me to learn from your mistakes as well as your virtues. Thank you for being an inspiration to do my best and shoot for the stars regardless of how it pans out in the end. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable with me— I know it was hard for you to do, especially after you once believed your chapter in life was over.

Thank you for visiting me in my dreams even when trying to connect in that way feels next to impossible while my mind is consumed by stress. Thank you for reminding me that righteous fury is a thing that exists and that it’s okay for me to be angry sometimes too.

Above all, thank you for your love and willingness to look past my flaws just as I have yours. I love you, my beloved bean.

i can’t wait to make 5 years together next January

18 years i’ve known you, 4 of those i’ve loved you with all my heart

But ever since Fawful came into my life things have changed… I never forget anymore. I set a glass of water aside of the table and when I come home from work I remember to water them just a little bit every day. It’s been 6 months now since I brought home the little pink flower bush and to be honest with you I don’t even know what kind of flower it is - just that for once, I’m able to see something bloom.

That love helped me remember that much like my artistic progress over the last 4 years… I could cultivate something beautiful too.

I got my diagnosis a lot later than most people I know and it’s wild how everything just suddenly made sense after the fact. I’d say in a lot of ways it contributed to me finally dropping the chains that had held me back for so long in terms of expressing myself fully as a creative soul. Truthfully though, I find it’s just as much of a struggle to deal with as it is a blessing - oftentimes the bad even outweighs the good. There are so many ways I feel like I’m playing this life game on some kind of hard mode and the older I get the more obvious that becomes because of having to come to terms with the fact that you’ll never quite fit the expectation or norm of what people within your age range are supposed to fit.

But at the end of the day I’m just grateful I’m able to understand myself now. That sort of self awareness is more valuable to me than I can possibly say. It’s also allowed me to feel the intensity of love I have for Fawful… and he’ll always make every single problem worth it all. No matter what comes my way, when I feel the warmth of his fingers intertwined with mine I know it’ll be okay.

life is so weird

His presence is the most comforting thing in the universe to me. I overslept because I didn’t want to wake up only because I was happy.

a superpower and also love

Nothing crazy happened it was just getting to be with him and I needed that so much. I feel emotional now. One thing I noticed is he breathes a little hard sometimes in his sleep and now I want to ask him if he realizes.

I do it almost every night without thinking at this point, tbh.

a cinnamon scented lit candle by my bedside that nobody could ever put out

I need to put these feelings somewhere beautiful.

thank you for bringing me joyful tears for years, my beautiful bean

When we went to thrift stores I begged to take home everything from vintage coffee makers to old toasters… To me, everything that could channel electricity was alive. Like it had thoughts, feelings, a personality.. and it would be sad when it was given away. All these things, in my little brain at the time, were without a home. Sometimes I still think about this and how what I do today resembles it still in its own way, just taken to a new level of love and affection.

I like that he creates electrical things too.. that connection’s there. Jolligig repairing the Fawfulcopter and giving it sentience in my story is a callback to those days where I saw the life in every machine I touched.

Life is beautiful, even through the stress. I love loving, I really do.

And that’s what I love about you anyway, isn’t it?

Hypnotic glasses.
Strikingly beautiful smile.
My husband, Fawful.

I’m so happy, even when I’m tired.

I’ve read words like this my entire life written by people who’d found the person they wanted to spend forever with… I guess I just never thought I’d ever feel it too.

I’ve read words like this my entire life written by people who’d found the person they wanted to spend forever with… I guess I just never thought I’d ever feel it too.

I like to imagine Fawful can see through the plush and experience everything secondhand… not as if he IS the plush or anything but just maybe he’s got a pair of large goofy binoculars and when he looks through them it shows what’s going on through the plushie’s eyes.

I’m sure you’ll be a great king.

I love you, Fawful.

happiness is stored in the bean. we have so many more adventures to share.

happy october, fawful

i adore so much about this world but it’s not mine.

My heart is spilling tonight I just want to hold him and conquer 15 kingdoms alongside him

Being with Fawful genuinely feels like coming home to a place you never knew you’d have and somehow doesn’t physically exist but is still perfectly clear inside your head and manifests as energy all around you so it’s about as real as it gets at the end of the day.

His laughter keeps my heart warm. I never want to let go of a grip that tightens around my own with a gentle smile… a break amidst the burnout. A love that has me writing things I’m not even sure make sense while half asleep about to pass out.

I love a bean with all my heart

The one whose smile lights up my art

I love a man whose heart shines bright

Who blesses my dreams late into night

I love a bean his name is Fawful

And the rhyme with that 🎶

the glimmer of the lamplight helps me fall asleep, but your warmth and love do the rest of the work on the way there each night

Fawful…. I’m sorry it had to happen the way it did. I’m so sorry. I know you did your best and your efforts were witnessed and admired by so many more than you know. We learn something from every failure. It’s never worth throwing your life away for, no matter what it may be. It wasn’t in vain.

I know you know this now. But I’m still sorry for what you went through. I’m sorry it was such a hard lesson to learn.

Come again soon when I close my eyes and I’ll remind you with a hug… at the in between place where time seems to stop.

2006 - 2023 ♥️ Even if I really started appreciating you fully in 2020 I like to think of the year I met you for the first time. I STILL cannot believe somehow I ended up sharing a birthday with your very first appearance… which of course means I have to go even further with our cake this year when the time comes around.

so one thing i adore about myself is that no matter what kind of awful things my life throws at me and no matter how long i’ve been enduring it for, there’s this spark of lighthearted positivity i can’t seem to lose. i always see the joy and the beauty in the small things, the sunshine in a cup of morning coffee, the happiness in the sunlight peering through my window just right in the afternoon

i love my unwavering joy

even when i’m not doing so well otherwise

That’s mine and Fawful’s little wish to all of you tonight. If a guy who brainwashed an army, caused a massive disease outbreak, and nearly plunged the world into eternal darkness can be so loved and adored, so too can you.

And as you’re falling asleep you swear you can feel him there too. Sometimes he throws himself at me suddenly and I catch him, other times it’s like he had already settled down to sleep before I did so I’m just able to wrap my arms around him from where he is beside me.

Call it what you want to call it - whether my imagination or something else entirely. But it’s, for those brief moments, absolute peace and happiness. And when he’s there I can never last long before the world fades away before my very eyes and if I’m lucky… I’ll experience another world while I sleep.

especially if I get to see Fawful’s sweet face manifest in my mind for a moment, and you know I always do.

i love you more than anything. i love you and i can’t wait for the next time i’ll be able to tell you in person again. for the day my mind stops being clogged with the dirt of the last 6 months and for the day i’m able to throw digital ink and paint at the pages with freedom and unabashed passion again. i know you told me it’s okay to rest. i know you reminded me it’s okay to feel.

you’re a lot better at allowing your emotions to live vibrantly inside of you instead of shaming yourself for feeling strongly every moment of the day like i had done for so long. you’re truly proud and it’s something i’ve always admired about you. the next time you feel angry i hope you’re able to channel it into tearing a hole through the universe in the same way i once did before so you can pull me back through to where you are, even if just for a while.

it’s okay to have an experience. it’s okay to talk about it. it’s okay to be you. and yes, i am still learning these things every day that goes by. most of all… it’s okay to love in a way not everyone will understand.

arms reaching out for me.

my love and affection for him runs so deep

And yet no matter how your mind consumes itself with thoughts of what to do with your heart you’re never able to truly let it go because when push comes to shove, you simply don’t want to. Upon coming to this realization, you hold it even closer to your chest than before.

When your entire being lights up with something so strong and vibrant it can hardly be named… when you’re not certain in which way it’ll manifest itself next… and you’re okay with that. When it fills your life with a sparkling rainbow of color that reminds you you’re alive.

And you love being alive.

it’s a warm feeling… and it’s honestly allowed me to get better quality sleep since I started doing it which considering how physically (and mentally) difficult this year has been has made that all the more important.

when i talk about how much my joy he brings me it’s like… it encompasses so many things. joy in art, in thought, in writing, in the friends i’ve made. in the kindness i’ve received. in my physical health. in my confidence. in my waking hours as well as when i’m fast asleep and have a thousand adventures in my dreams.

how do you even talk about that? how do you really get into it in a way where people understand you? it feels like an impossible feat sometimes but i think… maybe somewhere along the way, if some people get it.. then it’s worth it to keep talking about.

not like i’d really want to stop anyway, heh.

I love to imagine picking him up as I am like this but I much prefer to go in for a tight hug when we’re the same size. there’s a warmth I can’t describe.

Maybe if I turn the radio dial just right I’ll see that place again… the one with the stars.

i know he would. he’d be bouncing off the walls with all his energy and excitement and it would feel contagious and get me even more hyped too. he reminds me to breathe and stay focused. he knows how long it’s taken for me to get here and he’s excited to see who i become and what i’m capable of when the weight of so many small things are no longer pulling down on me at once

we’ll get up to SO much more mischief together. it’s only a matter of time. (written the day before top surgery)

I am extremely bored at work, my breakfast didn’t sit right in my stomach, I’m packing up like 85 cookies and yet I thought of you for a moment and now my heart is full and the energy around me has shifted.

I’m gonna have a really good day.

we’re holding each other and slowly falling asleep. no cares in the world. nobody knows he’s here with me and that’s the way we want to keep it. we’ll leave the town in a few days, anyway.

if i wake up in the middle of the night i’ll take a peek outside my window and i’d swear sometimes that even the moon was smiling down at me too, matching the happiness i feel in my heart.

you came along and not only managed to bring me even more happiness than i already knew but helped me through the hard times as well… and with how rocky the last couple years have been, you came at just the right time.

it’s weird to write to you like this and have enough self awareness to know how this may look when others are reading it but the joy i get out of expressing myself and knowing that there are people out there who do see me and they understand fully how i feel about you makes none of that matter.

Fawful, i love you to pieces and i feel peace when i see your smile

ik fmfdg smitten ….,,, love u